Becoming Your Parent's "Parent"

I have felt this coming on for quite some time now...Ever since my Dad got sick and life got "really" hard.... I had started feeling like my mother's "parent"... And as of last night, I realized that is exactly what I am.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong for me to feel this way or act this way... I do feel that someone out there needs to take care of her, since she has no husband or parents to look out for her. But it is a very strange feeling. I'll give some examples.

I don't want ANY harm to come to her. That is a normal thing to feel for anyone you love, but it's deeper than that. I feel the need to protect her from "the world"... She's been in this bubble for such a long time and I feel as though she doesn't really know the way things work. I don't want her to experience any more sadness, pain, or uncertainty. I get angry when someone is mean to her. I try to teach her things each day-- like how to use a cell phone, how to turn on and off the television using the complicated remote control, and how to use a necklace to accessorize an outfit. If she's hungry, I want to make sure there is something for her to eat. If she's cold, I want to make sure she has a blanket. I want her to have the perfect job-- one that makes her feel good inside and keeps her busy. I send out her resume places and call her when she has an interview. I make sure she's taking the right medication and at the right times. How did this happen?

There are times when I might be feeling particularly low... and I come to her to find solace and comfort, the way a child seeks out his or her parent to make things "better"... although when I come to her as her child, I see that she is upset... and I end up comforting her. She becomes the child--sad, feeling lost, and needing her hand held. I tell her of the ways of the world, pull an example from my life, say that everything will be all right, chin up, etc etc. She drifts off to sleep like a child, and I, the grown-up, the parent, solve my problem alone.

It really hit me last night when I went to go pick her up from work--- me, picking her up from work. I watched her inside the store. She works at a clothing store, and the store had closed so the employees were cleaning up. I sat in the parking lot, thinking. I didn't like that she was working so late... She's going to be tired in the morning, I thought. Her feet must hurt, I thought. Don't they know she's too smart to sweep, I thought. I didn't like that it was after 9 PM and she was still working, even though she was supposed to get off at 9. I wanted to go in there and say "Excuse me, she's done" and take her home so she could get some rest.

I'm wondering how I went from being a young girl in her 20's to an old woman. I'm wondering if sometime soon I'll get those missed years back. Until then, I play the role that is needed of me, for now.